About small and big phases of defiance

Or should I better write autonomy phases?! This phase begins in any case, depending on the source somewhat differently, at about one year or even a little later. Tantrums with throwing on the floor in the supermarket because our son or daughter might still like to have the chocolate egg at the checkout. I think that is the behavior that is most often mentioned in relation to the defiance or even autonomy phase. But where do these tantrums come from? When does it get better? It's just a phase, right?

Where do the tantrums come from?

In young children, these extreme tantrums, which are often incomprehensible to us adults, are often related to problems in communication. Our little ones are not yet able to express themselves clearly, so we don't always understand what they want. If we then ask three times and still haven't understood correctly, it becomes difficult. And because we then react wrongly again, because we finally did not understand correctly what they want from us, this starts a loop with further communication deficits. Wouldn't we be angry, too, if we were constantly not understood? What we want, what we don't want, etc.? In the end, it is so no wonder that such a situation not infrequently ends with anger on both sides.

Another point for these strong emotional outbursts is emotion regulation. Our children begin a learning process at birth about how they can best deal with their feelings, their emotions. Because they cannot yet adequately regulate their feelings themselves and reduce the stress associated with them, they need our help to do so. Our babies show us this by crying or screaming. When we cradle them, give them a feeling of safety and security, we help them lower their stress level.

Even toddlers can't fully regulate their emotions on their own yet. They keep practicing, but in some situations they just need support. It takes years before they can regulate their feelings on their own, but not in all situations either. But more about that later. By now, however, our children want to do a lot of things themselves, which is why this phase is called the autonomy phase. They often complain loudly when we take something away from them that they actually wanted to do themselves. "Do it yourself!" This is probably one of the most commonly heard phrases during this time.

When does the defiance phase end?

I'd love to write that it's just a phase that lasts maybe a year or two. But no, it isn't. This phase is not really a phase. The behavior that our children exhibit we also see in adults in certain situations. We learn to regulate our emotions and deal with them differently. For example, we say when we are sad or angry, or we find an outlet for our anger by exercising. There are many strategies for dealing with strong feelings. But there are situations in which this is not possible for us. There are situations in which our prefrontal cortex no longer has power and the brainstem takes over. The prefrontal cortex is responsible for all conscious thought processes. The brainstem, on the other hand, is the oldest part of our brain, which regulates all vegetative functions such as breathing or heartbeat.

But what does this mean? Well when the brainstem takes over, we have three choices: Fight, flee or freeze. It is known from life-threatening situations or even situations of abuse that people act according to these three possibilities. How we then ultimately behave, we can not decide for ourselves. Thus, in such a situation, we no longer have conscious control over our body. Many people also react according to this pattern in conflict situations that are emotionally very stressful. If something is very close to us, we only react. Thinking no longer works. If I am really angry, for example, I get loud or I go into another room. There I react once off and then in the optimum case I can speak again calmly about the topic or the situation. But first of all, the reaction is quite similar.

Shouldn't feelings then be better suppressed in order to keep them under control?

So how can we ask our children to always be in control? Yes, maybe even to block out feelings? Personally, I think it is very important that little people are allowed to live out their entire emotional world and that every feeling has its right to exist. This applies within a protected framework. Where self-injury or injury to others comes into play, it is no longer a protected framework. It is often not so easy for me not to shout back, not even to get angry. Sometimes it helps to take a step back inside and ask: "Where is the cause, what can I change?" Ultimately, we ourselves can also learn a lot from our children, because how often do they just hold up a mirror to us? They show us how we behave in similar situations, although possibly not to this extent.

So we have seen that tantrums and so-called "defiant" or autonomous behavior are not unique to children. In extreme situations, adults also react according to the same pattern. I suspect that it seems to children much more quickly like such a vital situation. Perhaps we should therefore not react with anger to the anger of our children, but rather accompany them in it or the way out of it. After all, all feelings have their justification!