Every woman is a rose - Why our births are so important

This blog article follows Nora Imlau 's call for Roses Revolution Day 2016 on November 25. Therefore, I would like to tell you here about my birth.

The calculated date of birth was getting closer and closer. Already the whole pregnancy I had to put over various wishes of others regarding my pregnancy and my birth. At that time I was still in therapy, so some people around me had some concerns about my wish for a natural birth. I was repeatedly advised to have a planned cesarean section. But I did not want that. Of course I was afraid of the birth. I was afraid of what I didn't know and of the pain that would await me. But I knew one thing for sure: I wanted to try the natural way! I couldn't know that it would work, and I couldn't know if I would be able to handle it psychologically. I could not know all that. But conversely, I also couldn't know that everything would be fine after a planned C-section. After all, this is a very large abdominal operation, which is often underestimated (I also underestimated this in the end). I eventually pushed through, but kept learning that few trusted that I could do it.

I was now a few days past my due date when I had my bubble burst at night. Before that, I had already had several hours of light contractions, which I had also had from time to time the days before. The rupture of the membranes was not particularly loud, nor was there a gush of amniotic fluid immediately afterwards. I only felt a slight tugging and lost a few drops of fluid. I went to the bathroom first because I wasn't sure and didn't want to make my partner crazy, he was already excited anyway. Back in bed I was sure and now the amniotic fluid was also coming in larger amounts always with the still very light contractions. I got a little panicky and asked my boyfriend to call the midwife. She was also a midwife at the hospital, so she was supposed to accompany me during the birth. She confirmed the rupture of the bubble and also noted that the contractions were still very light and came at relatively long intervals. Also, my cervix had only opened a centimeter, but the head was in the pelvis, so I could move without worry. The midwife finally asked us if we wanted to stay here at home or go to the hospital. It would certainly take some time. For our own sense of safety, we decided to go to the hospital.

I was given a room and told to try to sleep some more, which of course I could not. I was way too excited and the contractions were slowly getting stronger and the intervals shorter and shorter. In the early morning I finally came into the delivery room and was examined again and already the first setback came for me: Nothing had happened, the cervix was still at one centimeter! I was allowed to take a bath and tried to relax. Even after another two hours, no birth progress was visible, although I was now having very strong regular contractions. But the contractions were apparently not enough to open the cervix. I was now already being advised to have a contraceptive drip to help push the birth along. In addition, the midwife and the doctor thought it would be a good idea to combine it with an epidural so that I could better deal with the additional labor pain. After talking with my boyfriend, I agreed. I don't remember what came first, but having the epidural placed was hell! It was nothing compared to the pain of labor, I could handle that just fine. I was calm about it and understood the pain. This one I didn't understand and just wanted it to be over, but it takes what felt like an eternity because of coming contractions that kept interrupting. I was scared. Afraid for my baby. Afraid for me. Afraid for my dream of a natural birth. In the end, the epidural didn't sit properly, so I felt the pain intensified. Frightened and unsettled by the interruption, I found it increasingly difficult to cope. I didn't realize that a birth duration would have been rather short at that point. The heart tones were now monitored more closely in the CTG, because the doctor had the feeling that my son was weakened or sleeping too much. This went on for quite a while, so that I was hardly ever without a CTG. In the early afternoon, the doctor finally told me that she would only wait an hour at the most because the heart sounds were bad. At that point, I was just scared. I spoke briefly with my boyfriend, but he was also unsure and did not want to see me in this pain anymore. So I agreed and decided to have a c-section due to lack of progress in labor. The cervix was still at one centimeter. In the meantime, I had also been given antibiotics twice because the risk of infection from the rupture of the membranes would be too high.

Within not even ten minutes, the OR and the team were prepared. I ran into the OR with the help of my midwife, screaming in pain and fear. The first comment from the head doctor was just, "Is she really in that much pain?" I couldn't respond. As I sat on the operating table, I was given a spinal anesthetic. It wasn't that bad anymore thanks to a labor inhibitor, but I was panicked. This was so not what I wanted. I felt like I was being patronized, but I was in a state of rigidity and couldn't do anything. In the meantime, my boyfriend was allowed to come in and everything was prepared for the incision birth. The doctor made a trial incision to test whether the anesthesia was already working. This was not the case, so I felt everything. They waited and finally cut, of which I felt nothing. However, I felt a lot of tugging and pulling on my abdomen, a lot of layers were simply torn open, which should ensure better wound healing. Then the doctor said that we should now be very quiet and listen carefully. And there it was, very timid and yet so clear, the first cry of our son. I cried tears of joy, finally all the tension was released. He was immediately placed on my chest and I didn't notice any more of the rinsing and whatever else was done. After a while, however, I had to give up my son. My friend went with him and the midwife back to the delivery room where he was going to be examined. At the same time I was being taken care of, i.e. stitched up. It seemed like an eternity and just wanted to be with my son and my husband. Back in the delivery room we cuddled and I put on the first dress. The midwife told me a few more things, but I remember almost nothing about that. I was just happy to finally be able to hold my son in my arms.

The pain came much later. The physical pain subsided quite quickly, even though I was clearly restricted. But my soul continued to ache for a long time.... I had the feeling of having failed and of being weak. I was not told that I had a right to this grief and these feelings. Again and again I was told that I should be happy, that we were all healthy - only I was not. I wrote and wrote about my feelings. I read a lot on the subject and talked to others about it. Slowly the pain became less, moved more into the background. Even now, after more than two years, the pain is still there sometimes, especially when I read about the subject. Then I get sad or angry and realize that I haven't finished with it yet. But someday I will be pregnant again and the birth will be different. Be it natural or again a cut birth. But who knows what the future holds. I would very much like to have at least the option of a home birth then though. The familiar surroundings with only familiar people would certainly do me good. I would also wish that pregnant women would be much more educated about the different birth location options and also that not every screening is necessary during pregnancy. But a lot of that isn't going to happen. I would also like to see more talk about cesarean section in childbirth classes, and not just from a physiological standpoint. I don't want any woman to feel like she failed if she had a C-section!

But let's show the politicians and health insurers etc. that our births are important after all. It's about our freedom of choice, because my belly belongs to me!

Picture sources