No! - Why this word is so important

"No." I think parents of toddlers hear this word all the time. Especially at the beginning of the autonomy phase, many children don't seem to say anything else. No seems to be the answer to everything and no also seems to be the reaction to everything we do as parents. Not so easy... How should I behave as a mom?

The autonomy or defiance phase is very stressful for most parents. Our children, who are actually still so small, suddenly want to be big and do everything on their own. Other words that are often said during this time are "by yourself" or "alone". There we see our not even 2 year old child, how he wants to cross the street alone, wants to sweep the yard alone and wants to take a bath alone. Now some things may still light up to us that our children now want to do them alone and say no to our help. But walking alone across the street? That's where the fun stops....

Yes, there are situations in which we have to go over the no of our children. But those are really dangerous situations, as I sometimes call them. Kids just can't ride in a car unbuckled or sit in a bike seat without a helmet. They can't walk to daycare by themselves or stay home alone. These are all things that are simply too dangerous for a young child to do because their experience is not yet sufficient for them to be able to oversee the consequences. Also, the brain needs to mature more for this, so that a situation can be better overlooked and a potential danger can be assessed.

But these are rather exceptional situations. How many times a day do I drive my car or walk across the street. That is far less frequent compared to the no's I hear from my child. In many situations, I can respect my child's no 's. No, actually, not only can I, I have to, if at all possible. My child wants something and I have to respect that desire. I want my child to learn that saying no counts for something. I want him to learn that I respect that no. I want my child to show me this personal boundary because it is a good thing. It practices setting boundaries and thus becomes increasingly independent.

I want my child to never be afraid to say no. Not now and not at any time. And that only works if I try to accept this no. Yes, maybe it won't work for him to put on his shoes without my help. But I have to let my child try, because that is the only way to learn. I have to allow my child to make its own experiences, even if it may fail at times. But then we as parents are there to catch them. Roots and wings. Attachment and autonomy. These are two basic needs that all human beings have within them and that we all need to live out.

Children need a safe haven, a secure bond with us parents, in order to be able to try things out. They need to know that they can always come back to us, and they will if they feel unsafe. But now I'm getting a little too far ahead of myself....

In any case, our children need to know that their " no" has value. Otherwise, they will eventually stop saying it. Now in childhood, this may make it easier for us. But by doing so, we prevent the children from making their own experiences. We prevent them from failing and making mistakes. But they can only learn from that. We cannot protect our children. Let's rather let them make the mistakes now, so that they learn how to deal with them. So that they keep their frustration tolerance. And so that they continue to persevere when they really want something. Maybe it will work out that our child will put on her shoes on her own. Maybe it won't. Maybe he will practice and practice and practice until he finally can. Most of us adults would probably have given up long ago.

Only if our children, even when they are still small, are really allowed to say no, will they do so later. Someone might want to do violence to them one day. How bad would it be if they didn't say no then?! But it doesn't even have to be that bad. It is enough that they simply accept any unfair or bad treatment of their boss, to name just one example. I wish there too that my children would say that this is not okay. I want my children to stand up for their satisfaction and happiness.

Sometimes in our daily lives we don't have the time or patience to take every no for an answer and let our kids try everything on their own over and over again. Oh yes, I know this. But then we should explain to them why it is not possible for us right now. And it should remain an exception.

Let's value our kids' no' s, even when it's exhausting!

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