On the brink of madness

last edit: 09.02.23

reading time: 4 minutes

other languages:

I found this text of mine today. It is a bit older, but I would like to share it with you. It's about your own limits and maybe also about growing beyond yourself and mastering situations that we wouldn't have thought possible before. But mostly it's about lack of sleep. A lack of sleep that we would not have thought possible before.

Today is another one of those days where I'm just glad when it's over. When I can finally sleep. Hoping it will be more than half an hour. When I was pregnant, I honestly didn't give it much thought. At least, I don't remember being aware of it. I had no concept of the extent that sleep deprivation could actually take on, and my son was still pretty straightforward about it. It certainly makes sense that no pregnant woman can even begin to imagine the many missing hours of sleep.

Of course, there are always good and difficult phases. Especially in the beginning, I didn't even notice at night when I was breastfeeding. We both fell asleep while breastfeeding, and he could also go to the breast at night as needed, so I often couldn't tell how many times he had drunk during the night. That's where my hormones served me well. So when I woke up, I was able to go back to sleep right away. In contrast to my husband, who was often awake for hours and for whom the lack of sleep must have been much worse. At some point, my husband even wrote a funny blog article about this, which we unfortunately can no longer find.

In the meantime, my little mouse is already over two years old. But somehow it has not become better. Only different. I've been back in training for more than a year now, which means I'm spending about 40 hours a week either at school or at an internship. This eliminates the relaxation during nap time. On long days I notice how my stimulus level, as I like to call it, drops. It then takes much less for me to become loud, which I always regret afterwards, because it has nothing to do with my husband, my son or anyone else. That is why I also want to do more for myself so that I am less stressed.

Usually my son has been sleeping through the night or waking up once a night for some time now. I usually get along well with that. But I can't rely on that, not to mention that it's a luxury. But when he's sick or has a spurt, whether it's cognitive, emotional or even in his growth, suddenly everything is different again. In such phases, it's nice when we can sleep for two hours at a time. Suddenly he wants something read to him, something to eat or anything else that doesn't fit into my idea of night and sleep.

Here I catch myself again with the "expectation problem" of me as a mother, which Nora Imlau described so beautifully in her book "My Competent Baby". Actually, the problem is not my son. The problem is that my expectations don't match the reality and program in my son's head. But with that, it is actually just my problem, which I have to solve somehow. Sometimes I have a hard time doing that, especially when I feel completely overtired and can't think straight. But here it means to lower expectations.

For example, today we were home together because he is sick. I was completely tired from constantly interrupted sleep, but still looked forward to spending time with him. We cuddled, colored, and played and goofed around a lot. But I also realized how much I longed for a break and thus, nap time. We ended up going for a walk, during which he fell asleep for half an hour. So, as it turned out later, the nap issue was settled. I had to take it easy for the afternoon and was glad when my husband finally got off work. I couldn't take it anymore. I didn't want to yell at him when something was bothering me that he couldn't help. And I also noticed that I was finding it harder and harder to do that. But when the time is predictable, it works well. Now it's not even 8pm and my son is blissfully slumbering in bed and I'm looking forward to the break and time for myself (and my husband). Enjoy your evening!