My early miscarriage
Well, I don't really know what to say or write. I had a miscarriage. This sentence alone is difficult.
I was looking forward to this child, I was waiting for this child in my belly and I still can't believe what happened. Sometimes I feel good, I see a lot of hope and positive moments, I am realistic. And then there are always the moments of infinite sadness.
We had planned for a long time when we would try for another child. I had to wait a long time until that time came, because when we talked about it, the time was just not good. So I had to wait and I was so happy when this time was finally over.
I felt my fertile days exactly and I was quickly sure that it must have worked. I felt a slight tugging when I ovulated, as always. I also felt the implantation in the uterus. I could feel all of that. Or maybe I was just imagining it. Who knows.
Since I felt nauseous pretty quickly, I took a pregnancy test before the day my period would normally start. Negative. What a disillusionment.
But hope remained. It had simply been too early for the test. The nausea increased. My breasts were tightening. I was more and more sure despite the first negative test.
A few days later I took another test. Positive. Didn't I know it? That's what I said to myself. It was only very weakly positive. Actually, it should have been clearer for the time, but I didn't allow any doubts. I pushed all doubts far away. I wanted this child so much.
I wrote directly to my midwife. Because I wanted her to accompany me again, just like she did during the pregnancy before. She wrote me back quite quickly and we saw each other the next day. We were able to discuss some points about prenatal care, pregnancy and birth. I felt so good.
The night before we had talked about the pregnancy with our children. Even though it was still very early, of course, and we knew in theory that a lot could still happen. But at no point did I expect it beforehand. I just didn't want to believe that this possibility even remotely existed.
The next day, I felt different somehow. In retrospect, I think I sensed that something was wrong. But again, I pushed any doubt very far away from me. I didn't want to have any doubts, I wanted to feel good. I kept myself busy with random things. Cleaned up in the garden, went for a bike ride with the kids.
In the evening, my husband gently stroked my belly and said that he was looking forward to the baby and we talked about different things around the baby. I don't remember exactly. I had even ordered maternity clothes because I barely had anything left and really didn't remotely think anything could happen.
But the next morning I woke up with a little blood stain in my underpants. I went to the bathroom, with the small hope that I might have somehow been mistaken in my tiredness after all. But on the toilet I had directly a relatively strong bleeding. It started reddish-brown, and as the day went on, it got stronger and stronger.
Full of panic, I called my husband and wrote to my midwife. My midwife replied pretty quickly that there was nothing I could do except rest and hope the baby would stay. Bleeding can happen, unfortunately.
However, I no longer believe the baby was alive. There was just too much blood, too much fresh blood. Moreover, the blood was not getting less. If anything, it became more.
Fortunately, my dad took my children to an animal park. We had planned the trip the day before, but I just couldn't go. I wanted to be alone. Wanted to have time to cry. I really cried a lot and for a long time. I kept stopping in between, but the tears kept coming. I felt really bad. It felt like it was tearing me apart. I didn't know what to do with myself.
I just lay in bed, watched series and cried. My husband reminded me to eat and drink. Otherwise, I did nothing. During the day, the bleeding did not get better. I said goodbye to the pregnancy.
My midwife offered me that she could draw blood again the next week to see if the pregnancy hormone had dropped sufficiently. That way, they could rule out any residuals remaining in my belly.
The blood test was not absolutely necessary because I had no pain and the bleeding stopped normally after five days. However, I wanted to see my midwife. I needed someone to talk to.
The days were hard, I cried a lot, I was sad a lot. But I didn't feel like I was being beaten to death. It was more that I felt it was part of it. Death is part of life. Even if it is really hard and can hurt so much.
I always had beautiful moments with my children. I was grateful for my two living children. They took away a lot of my pain.
And so everyday life went on. The moments when I was sad became fewer. But even now, they still come back. Sometimes. It still hurts. I still don't understand it. But I can accept it.
When I told my children that unfortunately the baby was no longer in my belly, they were rather pragmatic. My son said that at least there wouldn't be anyone else screaming around and that he would have more space. At the same time, he was very loving and gave me a bracelet that he had threaded himself. That moved me very much.
In the meantime some time has passed. After a few months I had another miscarriage. Again a very early miscarriage. The time after the positive pregnancy test was accompanied by ambivalent feelings from the beginning. I was really happy that it finally worked out after waiting months and at the same time there was the fear that it could happen again as it finally did. Maybe I'll write more about this at some point.
I have ideas where the reasons for my miscarriages could be, but I don't know exactly yet. Maybe I will never know. Maybe I will give birth to another healthy child, maybe not. We will see what the future will bring.
Feel free to write me your thoughts on this very personal article. Do you also have a star child? Or several? Feel free to tell me in the comments how it went for you and what experiences you had.
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